Week 17.
I feel really detached, just go and see what comes out. Be honest, nice, true and genuine as the 'nice sister' [role] not the 'vain, greedy, selfish' one. Be good, love good, good love.
I went in feeling quite good in [my new] brown boots. Said I'd come quite open in manner, quite prepared just to 'be' (in as genuine a way as possible). Very quickly [I] found myslef discussing good/bad Sue... We talked about how 'bad' and 'naughty' Sue might want to hide real Sue. I was absolutely awkward. It really shocked me how I couldn't look at him. No sexual feelings at all, pure awkward 'not wanting to be seen'. *** tried to understand what I was afraid of in his gaze. I said 'nothing'(...)