A Presentation in two parts; Part A and Part B
Part A - Stucturing the aesthetics for my presentation, February 12th

An outline of how I practically intend to deliver Part A of the presentation - The Art

I use the the same medical screen as I did on February 4th, but this time it is stretched open. I sit on a chair in front of it. The screen is not to be directly against the top wall (of G 19) but forward of it, so people can go where they want around it to sit. The room is lit.

Why the screen is used
The screen has connections with the medics who defined me in my condition (although they must undoubtedly be aware of the politics that have caused the massive increases in stress-related illnesses throughout the public sector services, including their own). It also has connections with the medication that I was/am still prescribed and the interruption to my employment history. People will be invited to add whatever they may want to add to the screen. The diaries offer an articulated response to my situation, whereas the screen offers a different articulation of my responses to the same situation. I have removed some elements from the screen that are now unnecessary (from Feb. 4th presentation) and the one image that I have added to the screen is that of a poster advertising Jo Spence's’ exhibition ‘Matters of Concern’, 1995. This item was sent to me as a college lecturer in 1995 and was intended for display in the college. I did display it and for some reason kept it, although I did not attend the show itself. I later encountered Jo’s work on the MA Fem. in 1996. I applied this poster to the screen because it was received [by me at work] in the context of the time immediately before restructuring occurred. Her work has been the primary influence for the production of my work from 1996 onwards. Jo Spence has produced a great deal of work that critiques institutional power relations and their effects, for example ‘The Cancer Project: Remodelling Medical History’. The ‘gauze panel’ has ties that are splayed outwards from corners of the fabric to each corner of the frame. These ties do not have a practical purpose but they are there to very quietly represent the way I feel completely opened up, like on an operating theatre when in counselling. The screen will not be referred to until Part B.

Distance
The visually generated anxieties for me in presenting my work are not so much to do with my being seen, but more to do with seeing myself being seen. Therefore I shall remove my glasses as a protective-distancing device, which if this work’s, should in turn prevent the people present from being distracted [made anxious] by a visual display of anxiety. And so although I am exposed, because I can not see clearly beyond five inches, I should feel more distanced from this specific anxiety. With regards to oral distancing, the anxiety that inevitably emerges when I read my text’s, especially my diaries (which in this case forms almost all of the paper) should be made easier to manage through the effect of my distancing the visual, because they are connected.
I’m reading from my diaries. Why is this art and not some-thing else?
I cannot really separate elements, but it needs to be asked... ‘Is the screen the art?’ In fact I cannot separate elements at all. The screen will be returned to its owner shortly and will not exist as it does. The screen could not be placed in a room and be called art and yet when it is used, it is a part of the art. I’m giving what I call a presentation-event but later on in my research, my work, (whatever it may be at that time), will be examined as art. I need to be with the props, to be doing the event, for the art to occur. Before the event, or after it, it becomes something else... memories, responses, photographs, and so on. Nothing in the presentation-event can be isolated and called the art but when all the parts work relationally together, hopefully the art/work will be enabled to happen. Whether or not this works, is not guaranteeable or predictable. The best that can be done, is to work determinedly, cautiously, unpretentiously, and self-critically, always acknowledging that unforeseeable mistakes are in themselves valid learning experiences and also a part of the art production.

The bottom line is
In order to generate the hoped-for responses (which are my aim in this research) I have to consider the most economic means of presentation [the aesthetic] for my work. I need to find a way to offer my situation that is gentle and determined. This has been difficult for me as I tend towards being impulsive and lacking in sensibility in general. It has also been a good discipline for me. Although I am working hard to minimise the possibility of ‘collision’s’ with/between those who attend the presentation-event, I accept that my knowledge is limited and I have much to learn. The bottom line is that my means can [for practical purposes] be reduced to two elements; me and my work. My work includes my texts [diary excerpts], the screen, the website and the presentation-event on the specific evening itself. If these are the basic elements, myself included, then what else do I need? It is not appropriate to align my work with a genre that has a remote likeness, such as performance. I am not performing, it is myself who is reading from diaries [relics] made at specific moments in time. My intention therefore is to offer myself, sat in front of the screen, reading from my diaries, without my glasses on. This is not a straightforward ‘reading’ that I offer to people because the reading is a part of the production (as are the screen, the event, the responses and so on). This work is not theatrically staged. The screen has not been produced as a backdrop, its role has altered - has been shaped by feedback from others’ and it is a product of the research. I do not want to over elaborate any aspect of the work, including my delivery. I do not think it is necessary for me to interact with the screen at all. My hope is that other people will interact with it.

What do the diaries tell of?
I have kept diaries for many years and for this event I have selected chronologically sequenced excerpts from a range of differing diaries, that detail my experiences over a length of time. They begin with my early days in teaching in 1991 and culminate with my retirement from teaching. The diaries record the deterioration in my situation throughout this period and end somewhat inconclusively. The diaries present experiences in context and as such offer a direct route to the autobiographic.




Diaries prior to my presentation of February 12th

Lundi [10th Feb.]. A really nice day. Worked carefully and determinedly all day. Not so nervous, calmer after event of 4th, but I’ll swot hard tomorrow. I’m giving French lessons a miss for the first time [got to apply myself seriously to presentation work].

Mardi [11th Feb.]. Didn’t do alot but practical stuff and kept busy. I feel ready to do this and good about doing it. I hope I haven’t peaked too early.

Mercredi [12th Feb.]. I’m shaking uncontrollably but I’m as excited as I’m scared. I want to present the work. I wasn’t ready yesterday, I couldn’t have been, I needed to swot at articulating my work.




Transcript for presentation of February 12th [Notes to myself in brackets]

February 12 Research Seminar
Title: Research working with practice; A relational dynamic [notes to myself in brackets]

Welcome. Please sit wherever you like. I’m asking that you tolerate swear-words that are used in context.
This is a presentation-event delivered in two parts. PART A (will at some point) become PART B.
The diary excerpts that I’m going to read, date from a time when I’d been working for three months as a lecturer in further education.

29th April 199l
A good, steady, calm day. Everyone is working at their own pace. Students are at differing stages, but a nice, happy atmosphere.
3rd June 199l
Don’t forget to put a part-time claim in for this term’s overtime!
I’d nothing particular to record for the following five years. Happy in my work things continued in an unspectacular manner, until in 1996 incorporation took place and the college was restructured
28th June 1996
It’s reaching boiling point. People are getting out, people are being asked to leave. It’s really scary, I feel like I’m pushing myself into unknown territory. The demands are relentless. I mustn’t fight it. I must rise to the challenges. I’ve escaped restructuring before in industry, and now it’s caught up with me like a tornado taking me up. I don’t feel it wants to drop me yet, but it may well do. I miss my family.
6th July 1996
Relief. What a year. I got the curriculum leader job. I’m realistic, I’ve a hard year ahead.
3rd October 1996
I’m at the bus-stop writing these notes. I’m compelled to produce them in response to the oppressive atmosphere at work. I’ve been in favour of restructuring, it’s vital to our survival as a college, but I suspected that if people’s intentions weren’t honourable then abuse may occur.
9th October 1996
I’m frustrated because I don’t have time to develop my curriculum area and teaching. I’m so busy. 12 hours a day most days, no breaks, trying to keep myself and others afloat.
16th October 1996
I’ve got to let go of my ‘perfectionist’ attitude X says and only prioritise the most urgent of jobs. I have to prioritise being a curriculum leader and not a tutor. But being given two new courses, one with two years, all to teach simultaneously in the same room - because all the staff have walked out, is not an extra its a full-time job in itself! For X to say ‘I can’t manage either, we’re all in the same state’ is not the support I’m seeking.
1996 was the year in which the further education sector became dominated by a managerial ethos that sought to control tutors, students and the educational process itself. It wasn’t only individuals that resisted being controlled and measured. General National Vocational Qualifications in Art & Design were piloted this year, and in an attempt to measure the learning of art, an examination paper was included in the curriculum.
[Show pen question slide focused onto back of screen].
The question on this exam paper asks, 'What BEST describes the marks made with this pencil?’ The instructions given to students on the front of the paper state 'Each question has FOUR possible answers; a, b, c and d. Only ONE is correct'. But surely the marks that the drawing implement shown might make, are dependent on a range of factors? For example the pressure being applied by the person holding it, their desire and concept and, whether the 'pencil' is blunt or sharp? The 'one correct' answer is somewhere among the choices given; even black shading, dark-textured shadows, lines of variable thickness, or, very fine lines. There cannot be 'only one correct answer' to this question. It presents the rather desperate struggle that examiners have in trying to objectively measure learning in art education. As a result the questions asked need to follow a more ambiguous format, relying upon semi-auxiliary verbs. For example, 'What BEST describes...?', or, 'Which medium is MOST LIKELY to...?' I liken the inherent resistance of art education to objective measure, to the subjective resistances that emerge when people are oppressively objectified in the workplace. Both could be described as paradoxical shapes without edges being forced into angular spaces. The shaping forces are political. And yet the fact that both do offer resistance is worthy of investigation.
29th January 1997
Inspection. I don’t feel like I need to say more, especially to those who’ve been through it. I haven’t slept, I haven’t rested, I’ve got permanent headaches... The inspectors have stuck to me like glue. Management fuck up and then just want to see heads roll. The staff have done well. Its the lack of support thats the real issue.
21st March 1997
The curriculum area meeting. X asked us how we were feeling. ‘I want managers to be nice to us on a daily basis’ I said. The revolting bastard said we were his family, he thinks he’s daddy.
3rd March 1998
I’m really concerned about maintaining my income. Other people (allegedly) throw sickie's to catch up but I’m not prepared to do that. There are a number of things I have to do that I simply can’t fit in,and it’s worrying me... portfolios, ucas interviews, gpa units, development, access reports, references, the intrantet site, planning the show. I don’t know what to do. I want to tell my line managers but I’ve done that already. They deflected it back at me as poor time management. They came to observe me but couldn’t find any problems... I don’t know what to do and I’m worried about my income, because if I complain again I’ll be in trouble. I’ve asked to be demoted to lecturer status and I’m awaiting an official response.
When I started teaching my work may have been called professional, and yet procedures were slack and we were desperate for resources. As workers though, there was access to our subjectivity and substance to our efforts. The lack of control, trust, and independence given to workers in the knowledge industry of today, does’’t allow for any such notions. It’s as though the commodity culture, that’s spawned the emergence of the 100% Extra Free superstore offers, has been enthusiastically applied to the workloads of teaching staff also.
7th October 1998
I screamed as I fell over my daughter in the corridor. ‘Don’t creep in the corridor I’m late, I can’t miss the bus again. What are you doing there?’‘She’s walking in the corridor’ says my other daughter. I’m so sorry... I want to go back and cuddle everyone, but I can’t. I’m on the bus, on my way to work. I won’t see them till tomorrow morning.
October 1998
I’ve been sad for several weeks. I want to give the students a wonderful learning experience, I love making it good because it feels good to help and make a difference. I was devastated today when I wasn’t prepared for class. I’d done 67 hours without a break. I didn’t have time to watch the video’s or check my notes. So as on so many other occasions I ‘flew by the seat of my pants’. I did well... they hardly realised, but I know that some did. A new subject area as well. The tutor who left didn’t leave any prep. for me. I’m shaking.
22nd October 1998
I was given all my teaching in the photography area. Seven new courses, all with no prep in place, and two weeks to prepare for them, with an internal inspection looming. Only one member of staff remaining. X is on sick leave and X + X have both left through stress. Can’t sleep, I’m desperate.
November 1998
Electronic registers are such an inconvenience, but wev’e been ordered to use them, I guess because the system was so expensive. We’re not allowed to take paper registers anymore. I haven’t got time to use it. It takes five minutes to enter the group, and that’s if you can log on first time. The e-register still isn’t working [in week 8] so there’s a real danger that there won’t be any registers at all.
12th January 1999
I probably dropped off to sleep about 2 ’O clock last night. Worrying about contacting the health & safety executive and not being able to prep.
The photographer, artist and educator, Jo Spence has said ‘...[P]rofessionalism encourages the use of codes of conduct, and standards of excellence, which are not seen by the participants as being political. In the main these are not perpetuated by coercion, but by professional consent, and can become more extreme according to the political climate’1. We are the ones who are encouraged to monitor ourselves and each other. There is little room for unity in the current climate of mistrust.
24th January 1999
I’m so down. Headache, neckache, sick... I’m going to the doctors. Can’t sleep. It’s so huge going through with a complaint. I can’t believe its gone so far. No joy left.
26th January 1999
I’ve felt increasingly shameful that I’m giving in to stress. The pain from knowing that the students won’t be catered for... the pain of separating from such good relationships... the feeling that I’m letting them down.
1st visit to Psychiatrist
I expect to be offered a ‘talking cure’. He doesn’t want to talk. Instead he explains why I’m there. To be shown a graph, demonstrating that I could most likely expect to suffer from depression at my age. I cried and tried to argue it wasn’t my fault, it was caused by over-work. He didn’t want me to talk about it though. ‘Get you feeling better first’ he said. I shut up. He told me about the tablets and said they weren’t addictive. He wanted to let me know how beneficial the medication could be and said, ‘I once knew a woman who was terribly depressed for two years and her husband divorced her. She took anti-depressants and a year later her ex-husband remarried her’.
1st March 1999
I’ve just consumed my first anti-depressant tablet. The psychiatrist was a prize wanker. I’m not taking them because he told me to, I’m taking them because I’m hoping for a lift. The problem with these drugs though is that they’ve no specific target area, and you really shouldn’t mess with the head.
3rd March 1999
The effect of the tablets was instant... not in terms of a mood uplift, but in terms of its amphetamine like effect. It suppressed my appetite, made me really quick, and yawn alot. The dose was upped after a few weeks.
The dosage that I continue to take has doubled since then. There are thousands of law suits taking place in America in relation to these tablets and others like them. Most arguments focus upon notions of addiction... In one sense the psychchiatrist didn’t lie, the tablets aren’t strictly addictive. Yet if you try to cut the dose down or to stop taking them your’e likely to suffer from terrible side effects, the most notable of which are known as head-shocks. I can only describe these as being like electric shocks in your head whenever you move a muscle... even a closed eye. These shocks are accompanied by shivers of nausea throughout the body. This offers a good reason as to why I, and so many other people are addicted to the tablets. Because I know that if I stop taking them I will be very poorly indeed, as well as depressed.
3rd visit to Psychiatrist
I’m lined up for counselling. I feel less sensitive, less in touch. ‘Its still there inside but its like I’m blocked off’ I tell him. ‘Yes, that’s right’ he says. He’s pleased with me.
Early April 1999
I’m sat under a blossom tree near the beck. It’s green, mossy and tranquil. It’s dull but there’s a gentle breeze. I look down. There’s white blossom laying on the moss. I pick up what I think at first is blossom, then a bit of plastic, and then I’m astonished to find that it’s the bigger portion of a delicate, strong birds egg. At first my (bird) phobia comes to the fore as I feel its inner dampness, but it’s totally empty. Its a beautiful, duck’s-egg bluey/turquoise/grey. Being cosseted under this tree is something I’ve longed for, for a long time. Its Easter Sunday and it’s the first time in ages I’ve not dreaded the thought of a return to work. I’ve been ill for so long, I’m only just realising the significance of being sat under this tree - calm.
May 1999 Psychiatrist’s report
‘The picture here is of a woman with a past history of psychiatric illness, who over the past three years, has been under increasing pressure at work. Over this time she has developed symptoms, of a moderately severe depressive illness, with marked agitation and obsessional ruminations. Her past experiences, particularly including her childhood, have resulted in her having great difficulties in asserting herself and has meant that she has tended to give in to pressures, particularly from dominant males. This has resulted in her becoming increasingly angry, but also feeling very impotent, and frustrated, with the conditions that she experienced at work over the past three years. She has undoubtedly been trauamatised by these experiences and she needs some specific counselling. This work is likely to take several months. Longer-term she needs to do some psychotherapeutic work helping her to deal with her childhood experiences’2.
Week 13 of counselling 1999
A really strange session. I dragged myself in, most sullenly and wouldn’t cooperate. Said I didn’t want to be there. We talked about work and I tried to stress that I’d tried everything with managers. He said I need to go back to work with my own rules. They don’t have them so I should impose them [such as work to rule]. I said I’d done that and after seeing the work pile up for two weeks I’d ended up going on sick... stressed if you do, stressed if you don’t. He asked if my animosity towards him was due to the long break and the fact that he chooses when he’ll see me. I said not (but there’s a bit of that), and that it was probably due to the turbulent emotions that the sessions generate. He searched for the specificity of these emotions and I ducked and hid as usual.
INVITE PEOPLE TO WRITE ON THE SCREEN, GIVE OUT FLYERS, HOW DID YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS WORK?

References
1. Jo Spence, Cultural Sniping: The Art of Transgression, (London: Routledge, 1997), pp.40.
2. Clinical Psychiatric Report, May 13 1999, Personal Communication.

Diaries following presentation of February 12th

I’d worked hard, thinking as much as anything else, in the past week. The work has altered alot since the prior presentation and I practised and adapted continually in the days leading to the event of the 12th. I knew my task would be more difficult at this latter presentation, because the majority of people attending the event have established ideas of what such an event [a research seminar] is for, insomuch as they are there to assess my progress and critque my work. They did not in the main [I don’t think] consider that they were there to engage in a shared learning and teaching encounter. The expectations of others are now changing my work again. I knew beforehand that I was seeking to shift expectations (which is a challenging thing to do) and so to avert generating collison’s I tried to make my intentions clear and to seek permission to work, from and with the people present.

I think in hindsight that the defenses that can be generated through being challenged are ever more difficult to work with. People are so nervous in relation to this kind of work. I also wonder [in hindsight] if I worked too hard beforehand, was too prepared and confident in trying to work with the audience, had too much to say...
What is basically expected of students at a research presentation is a dense academic paper containing theories that can then be challenged. However I made my though my artwork and relations were altered, which in turn made it very difficult to work through people’s defenses. I need to think about this... should I try and give a dense academic paper at my next research seminar to meet with expectations or should I instead work at trying to dissolve defences?. I do not know yet. I feel like I ‘failed’ at the event of Feb. 12th. But of course I should not judge myself in this way.

I feel like I was too confident, too much in control and that I thus blocked learning. My presentation was deemed to be ‘better’ than before, but it cannot be, if it did not work. In other words, if people do not articulate their experiences and responses to me. This was a larger gathering of people (approx 30) in comparison with (the 7 who attended) my presentation of February 4th.

But I know that for some people it did work. There was connectedness. Perhaps people generally were phased by the way I was confident with them in Part B, looking at them (meeting their gaze), wanting to work, a different person to the one who had read her diaries. People wanted to call it performance, without actually questioning their desire to do so at the time. Perhaps they may do so afterwards. It all matters to me. I had some truly amazing exchanges with individual’s who did connect with the work and I must have trust and hope. Its not about materialisation, why do I doubt my work like this?.




Material responses to my presentation of February 12th

‘I didn’t know how to be... happy or sad, perhaps it should be one or the other all the way through?’

‘I liked the mix of sadness and humour. I’d end up crying without the humour. Perhaps you should try that?’

‘The screen is still not tight enough formally’

‘Why have you stuck Jo’s image on it?’

‘When you talked about the birds egg it was poetry... beautiful’

‘I’ve a story of my own that I shall tell you...’

‘You did it. That's so different to last time, you managed to do the humour, you were confident’

‘You could have a book, a diary excerpt for each day on its own page, and turn the pages...’

‘Why have the screen? What is it there for?

‘This is about diaries, the past. What about today, you are not working with the now’

‘I can’t see the changes between this work and the upgrade presentation? Perhaps you present them more clearly?’

‘Are your political presentations different to this?’

‘I wonder how you’ll go on at your viva?’


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E-mail's that I received following my presentation. Click on images for a larger/full version.cdefbcdb
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